The Roast of Konata
by m3At
Summary: *Based on The Roast of Mario* IT'S KONATA'S BIRTHDAY! We had a roasting held earlier today for the occasion. You'll never believe the direction it headed in! *LANGUAGE WARNING*


Hey guys! IT'S KONATA'S BIRTHDAY! I'm on her computer in the middle of her party, and I managed to put this together at a roasting at Konata's school. It was funny, and cool at the same time. Unfortunately, I didn't get to write down my roast along with one other person's roasts because the papers were handed to me too late. I started writing during Kagami's roast and I am one fast writer if I do say so myself. So, I'll let you guys pick up from where we left off. Please be advised that there is major teen-adult dialogue, but I don't think that'll concern you. **READER'S DESCRETION ADVISED. **Don't be offended and no bad reviews! I am a Lucky Star fanatic / otaku. I know all of the anime. Well, now that I got all that out of the air, here we go!

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><p><strong>CHARACTER'S IN ORDER OF ROASTING<strong>

Kagami

Meito

Minoru

Patricia

Hiyori

Akira

Konata

Date: May 28, 2011 Time: 8:30 PM

Location: Konata's High School, Auditorium.

A roasting is taking place in lieu of Konata's birthday. Characters throughout Lucky Star, anime, manga, video games, and fans of Konata (along with some TFC characters) are in the audience. On stage is Konata sitting down on a single seat, petting the Lucky Star Cat on her lap. On the pedestal with the Lucky Star logo on it, is Kagami, in the middle of her contribution to the friendly roasting. Sitting down in the seats to the left of the stage, from left to right, starting on top, is Meito, Hiyori, and Patricia, and on the bottom, is Minoru, Haruhi Suzumiya, m3Atl0afman, and an empty seat where Kagami is sitting.

Kagami: Actually Konata was the first to be seen on-screen. It started out as girls trying to race off and beat the blue-haired otaku!

*Laughter*

Kagami: I'm not sayin' it's bad to be an otaku, but let's face it, you're just as hardcore as a girl who can't even get a guy and not have a problem with it. Seriously only he would be a fan of a girl who tries to kiss with cat lips!

*Laughter*

Kagami: Oh but who am I to insult, Konata you impress me so often I feel like a single Mary Sue! I respect ya girl!

*Laughter and Applause*

Kagami returns to her seat, and Meito goes to the pedestal.

Meito: Oh Konata, Konata, Konata. I had a lot of customers in my shop, but you are by far one of the best. It was like being high on whatever the Naruto and Gao Gai Gar characters are on.

*Laughter*

Meito: Speaking of which, she watches anime, plays video games, reads manga, and does anything else cause she's a bored bitch.

*Laughter*

Meito: They say she's the most athletic girl in town. But when it comes right down to it, Yui's the most athletic one. If you know what I'm sayin'!

*Laughter*

Meito: I love ya you midget cat!

Meito returns to his seat, and Minoru goes to the pedestal.

Minoru: *clears throat* Konata, even I think it's horrible the way people see the horrible-ness in you. And this comes from a mid-aged teen who's locked in a room every week with a random mood-swinging girl on crack who thinks she'll enjoy getting sex invitations from her friends!

*Extreme Laughter*

Akira: *stands up, looks around angrily, and throws a Bob-omb at Minoru, smashing him off-screen Smash Bros. style.*

Patricia goes to the pedestal.

Patricia: Look, Konata's a great friend, but not good when it comes to co-working, okay? The only way I can get her lazy ass to help me out of a dress is to tell her I'll lend her a DVD of her fav anime. I don't even have half her wanted list!

*Laughter*

Patricia: And backstage in the dressing room, let's just say it's like someone's been staring at me getting out of my dress the entire time like if I were a new toy!

*Everyone 'Ooooh's' at Konata, who sweatdrops nervously*

Patricia: Hey, I'll take what I can get! I'm mostly jealous of Kagami. Who knows if shippers out there will finally get what they want from these two one day.

*Extreme Laughter and 'Whoo'ing, both Konata and Kagami sweatdrop. At this point, Minoru returns to his seat from off-screen, burnt, with a small flame on his hair. Haruhi puts it out with her fingertips.*

Patricia: Now I won't say our next roaster's in the closet, but she's definitely pictured more obscure scenes than the averaged dojintist. Hiyori Tamura!

Hiyori goes to the pedestal, and Patricia returns to her seat.

Hiyori: Konata, you appeal to everyone. Young, old, casual otakus. Really casual otakus!

*Laughter*

Hiyori: Seriously, if you were that anymore cute and intelligent, it'll make dad look like a lolicon. Though there have been bad parts of episodes of Lucky Star. The ones starring Akira.

*Laughter goes around Akira in the audience. She angrily drinks champagne in a fancy glass cup.*

Hiyori: Episode 5 of Lucky Channel, man I haven't seen a bigger false loli. And I mistook Yutaka for one!

*Extreme Laughter and 'Ooohing' goes around, and Yutaka blushes in the audience.*

Hiyori: And Episode 18? Sending a guy to get water? FROM A MOUNTAIN? My God, I get more guys from directing me to a fountain. The following arc displeased me so much, but gave me so many reasons to make fun of it, I started to remember all the great ideas I forgotten.

*Extreme Laughter and 'Ooohing' goes around, Akira pulls out a huge bottle of alcohol and drinks it hard, angrily.*

Hiyori: Akira, you suck so much, even your song's a piece of crap. That one stage performance you did? Son Of Light Yagami, I rather listen to Rebecca Black and read yuri than listen to the song of suicide!

*Akira snaps and gets on stage, pushes Hiyori off the pedestal, and places her bottle on top of the pedestal.*

Akira: Oh ha-Ha. EVERYBODY loves Konata.

*She accidently pushes her bottle off the pedestal, breaking it. Meito's employees get on stage to take Akira off.*

Akira: GET YOUR DAMN HANDS OFF ME!

*They do.*

Akira: Damn dirty apes.

*Akira starts crying.*

Akira: I'm the one who should be the star! The LUCKY STAR!

*Konata feels her sorrow and has a sorrow expression.*

Akira: I sing better than you! I'm bigger than you!

Patricia: Not where it counts!

*Ultimate Extreme Laughter.*

Akira: You bitch! *She attempts to charge at Patricia, but she trips off the pedestal, falls on the stage floor, and starts vomiting off the stage, and herself, crying. Meito's workers take her off stage.*

*Konata gets on the pedestal gasping with sorrow for Akira, placing the Lucky Star cat on her seat.*

Konata: Somebody just read up on Lucky Channel fanfiction.

*Laughter*

Konata: For the love of Son Goku, I've been in business since 2006, and this is all who I'm left with? A shopkeeper with a Geass disorder, a single twin sister with just girlfriends, and a yuri/yaoi-con? You're like a midnight Stepmother Sin loli drama!

*Extreme Laughter*

Konata: It's no wonder the creator is so tired! I've been carrying and promoting you all for years!

*Extreme Laughter*

Konata: And with no repay! Hehheh, well, enjoy it tonight. BUT remember who keeps you all working and alive. Here's a hint...IT'S IZUMI-SAMA! The girl who's room's visited by tourists! The #1 MMO playa! It's her! The one and only KONATA IZUMI! BYE-NI YA CRACKS!

*Ultimate Extreme Laughter, applause, and cheering. Konata spins into a jet pack suit and flies off.*

**END**

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><p>Well that's it. My first fanfic with curses and such, but it doesn't matter. If ya guys are Lucky Star fans, you already knows what par for the course. Anyways, sorry if it offended you, but I was just transcripting everything at the roast. HAPPY BIRTHDAY KONATA! Let's meet one day! SOMEHOW! Hope ya enjoyed! BYE-NI!<p>

;3


End file.
